Aleu: Tale of the Alpha

Author : Phalynx

Date sent : July 26, 2011

Rating : PG (Parental guidance suggested)

Category : Relationship/Love

Description : Aleu has finally found her home. but one problem, she has to be the one to take care of it! being an alpha wolf won't be a walk in the park, she will need to learn how to survive and lead, and fast! and only a auburn wolf can help her.

Length : Average -

Characters :
4808 visits



Read the fanfic

Download the fanfic :   HTML   -   PDF   -   TXT  



Return to Balto Source


                  PG (Parental guidance suggested)
Aleu: Tale of the Alpha
By Phalynx

Go to the writer's section

This fanfic was rated PG (Parental guidance suggested).


Comments

4809 visits

Report this fanfic Report this fanfic

Last comments

November 05, 2015
Usa Is not currently on the site
You have a really nice story here. :icon60:

February 03, 2014
Usa Male Is not currently on the site
There's also a bit of a logic gap on page 4. How would wolves know about teddy bears and hippies? I don't think the hippy movement started until about 30 years later. Teddy bears might have been around back then, but would wild animals know, or care, about them? As for T-bones, I don't know if wolves would use terms like that. "Haunch" or "shoulder" would make more sense.

Lastly, the whole thing about being serious vs. having fun doesn't really make sense to just throw in at the last minute. A change that significant should be taken more slowly.

February 03, 2014
Usa Male Is not currently on the site
As for the romance between Aleu and Taku, my main suggestion would be to mix it up a little. Throw in some times where they don't get along well for stupid reasons (one of my leading ladies once got mad at her guy because she felt he was treating her like an infant when, really, he was just trying to be chivalrous and make sure she was safe). Try reading Brian Jacques' book Redwall and then watching the animated series (season 1); the relationship between Matthias and Cornflower was, in my opinion, much more entertaining in the show because it had more ups and downs.

Aleu had a good hunting strategy on page 2, but the rationale used to defend it on page 3 overlooked the fact that those deer weren't native to the island; they had come en masse from the mainland, and would have created an imbalance. So although the wolves' role in the balance was key, the argument made in favor of limited hunting makes it sound like they were trying not to disrupt omething already in balance. Ecologically speaking, their presence would restore something that was currently out of balance.

February 03, 2014
Usa Male Is not currently on the site
Well, this is a nice story, but before you work on improving your romance writing I'd suggest you start with readability. Try starting a new paragraph each time the speaker changes, and taking more care with your punctuation and capital letters. For example, instead of

Aleu walked up to her friend "Are you sure this is going to work?" the male wolf nodded "I'm almost certain, after all it sounded like a good plan to me. That was quite a good speech you did there Aleu, I'm impressed. Keep that up and the rest of the clan will accept you in no time." Aleu blushed a bright red under her cheeks "hm, thank you."

Try doing it more like this:

Aleu walked up to her friend "Are you sure this is going to work?"
The male wolf nodded "I'm almost certain, after all it sounded like a good plan to me. That was quite a good speech you did there Aleu, I'm impressed. Keep that up and the rest of the clan will accept you in no time."
Aleu blushed a bright red under her cheeks. "Hm, thank you."

FYI, I used to make the same mistake (back before I joined this site).

May 13, 2013
Female Is not currently on the site
Wonderful.

Guest
Guest
July 18, 2012
Is not currently on the site
This is Awesome indeed!! Even awesome won't describe how touching this fanfic is!!

March 28, 2012
Usa Male Is not currently on the site
thanks so much frozen! this is my fave written story so far and im darn proud of it too.

March 21, 2012
Is not currently on the site
Well, interesting story. Although, for me, everything went by too fast. Haha. But again, it's a good one.

August 08, 2011
Usa Male Is not currently on the site
thanks =)

August 06, 2011
Usa Is not currently on the site
Terrific!




Not connected : To be able to post a message site, you must be connected.

Register on the site!